Sasha sat in front of me, wringing her hands anxiously as she struggled to make her eyes meet mine. A 43-year-old woman, Sasha had experienced a lot of trauma in her childhood and had been working with me for quite a while now. We had a good rapport, and I knew she trusted me, yet in this moment she struggled to get the words out, almost as if she was too aware of the fact that she couldn’t take them back once they had passed her lips. I sat patiently, gently reassuring her that whatever it was, she could tell me; it wouldn’t change a thing between us or make me see her any differently. Slowly, Sasha started to speak. With shame evident in her voice and tears streaming down her face, Sasha told me how, even though she was a 43-year-old adult, she still felt like a 16-year-old girl. She explained that she felt as if she didn’t fit in with her peers. Not only was she yet to achieve the “typical” life milestones, such as marriage, children, a career etc., but her thinking patterns and emotional reactions resembled that of a teenager. Sasha felt broken, as if there was something wrong with her for not “aging properly.” She felt a lot of shame around this and was terrified that I would think badly of her.
When she had finished, she looked at me, expecting to see shock or disappointment or some negative change in the way I saw her. Instead, I told her that what she had described to me was not only perfectly normal but really common among victims of trauma, at least from what I had seen anyway. A mixture of shock and relief spread over Sasha’s face. This secret shame she had been carrying by herself for so long was gone and she began opening up more and more, detailing all the ways she felt like she hadn’t developed properly, all the ways in which she was still stuck at age 16. She talked about everything from the way she reacted emotionally, to being scared to do things such as talk on the phone or go out by herself, to the effect it had had on her career and social life.
What Sasha was experiencing was something that a lot of childhood trauma victims experience. When trauma happens to someone when they are young, they essentially become stuck at that age; frozen in time so to speak.[1] While they will still continue to grow and change in some ways, in other ways they will remain stuck at the age they were when the trauma occurred.
This stunting effect can have many different consequences for a person and be seen in many different ways. Many people who are stunted due to trauma struggle with their emotional response. While they may be an “adult” they may respond to stressors in an emotionally childlike manner, something known as “age regression.”[2] While I am sure many of you reading this have heard of this term in reference to children who begin wetting the bed or sucking their thumb again after years of not doing so, it can also happen in adults. Essentially, the adult will respond emotionally to a stressful situation or trauma trigger the way a child or teenager would.[3]
Childhood trauma can also physiologically alter the way your brain develops, affecting cognitive and emotional functioning.[4] These changes are permanent and can have dramatic effects on the person’s development.[5]In fact, these changes in the brain offer many explanations as to why so many people who have experienced childhood trauma struggle to meet the “typical” milestones that their peers are meeting. One change that can occur is to the part of the brain that regulates our immune systems. If this part of the brain is altered it can result in increased sickness, meaning that the person misses more school and work leaving them “behind” academically or in their career.[6] Another effect that these changes in the brain can have is on mental and physical health, meaning that people who experience trauma in childhood are far more prone to mental illness and chronic pain as adults.[7] Trauma can also impact the person’s ability to form healthy attachments, both romantically and otherwise, leaving the adult struggling to maintain healthy relationships or caught in a pattern of unhealthy and even abusive relationships.[8]
As you can see, there are many reasons why people who have experienced trauma in childhood feel as if they are still stuck at that age, regardless of how many years pass. However, there is another explanation that I am yet to touch on – the effects of living in survival mode. Survival mode is when the brain is solely focused on surviving.[9] Everything you do, every action you take, every word you speak, every thought you think, every decision you make is solely based on what will allow you to survive in that moment. When someone is living in survival mode, they are not thinking about learning and growing, they are simply trying to make it through the day. So, if you have been through a traumatic event in your childhood, you probably had to live in survival mode. During that period of time when you were living in survival mode, you were not learning and growing like your peers, you were merely surviving. So, while your peers were busy learning things that would help them feel like an “adult” later in life, you were not. Furthermore, survival mode doesn’t simply switch off after the trauma ends. In a lot of cases, survival mode persists long after the trauma itself has ended.[10] It makes perfect sense then as to why adults who have been through childhood trauma often feel so “behind” in terms of milestones and where their peers are in life. You are literally having to play catch up. It also explains why so many childhood trauma victims feel as if they are still stuck at a young age – your brain transitioned to survival mode when the trauma began and, if you haven’t healed from the trauma yet, there is a good chance that you haven’t stopped living in survival mode. This means that you are, in a way, frozen in time. The good news, however, is that through processing your trauma you can begin to move out of survival mode and back into life, allowing you to begin to move out of the age you feel stuck at and into life at the age you are now.
So, to anyone that can relate to Sasha’s story, firstly, there is no shame in this. It is not only completely normal but also extremely common among victims of trauma. Trauma can stunt your growth and development in every way imaginable. Not only does it literally alter your brain so that your brain develops differently than those of your non-trauma affected peers, but it also freezes you in time, leaving you trapped emotionally and sometimes cognitively at the age you were when you went through the trauma. Furthermore, life is full of lessons, but you may have missed a lot of those lessons due to being too busy surviving. There is no shame in that. It is not your fault. Survival was much more important than learning “life lessons.” You are also not alone. So many people struggle with this. For victims of trauma, while it is completely unfair and none of it should ever happened to you, feeling as if you are younger than you are, feeling as if you are frozen in time so to speak, is normal and not your fault. The good news is you can change this through processing and healing from your trauma. I know that can often feel terrifying and maybe even impossible. But it is possible, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If you need help, please reach out to me. I can help.
[7] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202304/the-impact-of-childhood-trauma-on-adult-functioning
[8] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-ptsd/202304/the-impact-of-childhood-trauma-on-adult-functioning
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