Why Being The Black Sheep Of The Family Or Group Is Actually A Good Thing.
When I was a kid, we lived on some land. My parents would allow the neighbor to let his animals roam on our land to keep the grass down, so there would constantly be sheep, cows and even horses roaming around our paddock (also known as a field). In the top left corner of this paddock, closest to the house, was a small fenced off square, I imagine meant to be an area in which you could separate animals. However, since we typically had no need to separate animals, usually the gate to that little area remained open, allowing the cows, sheep and horses to enter and exit as they pleased. Now the cows and horses had no problem with this and would go in and out freely and without drama. The sheep, however, were a different story. They could enter easily enough, but once they were in, more often than not they would forget where the gate was and how to get out of the area. If you left them alone, after a while they would accidentally stumble upon the open gate and leave, but more than once we would need to get them out, usually if we had to confine a horse to that area, so down to this little fenced square we would go to herd these sheep out of there. The problem was the sheep had no idea where the gate they had walked through was and they sure weren’t going to walk around the perimeter fence to find it, so one after another they would just charge into the fence over and over and over again. Even though a sheep would see countless sheep before them barrel into this fence, only to be flung backwards when their head hit the wood, the next sheep would do exactly the same thing, ramming their head into the very same wood that their fellow sheep had just crashed into. They didn’t learn from each other, they didn’t try new things, they simply followed each other blindly, one after another after another, crashing into the fence over and over again until we could finally find a way to shepherd them towards the gate.
Now I am not telling you this because it’s a funny story or because I thought you needed to know this about me. I am telling you this story because I have been thinking a lot lately about the term “black sheep” and what that means to us. The Cambridge Dictionary defines the term “black sheep” as “a person who has done something bad that brings embarrassment or shame to his or her family.”[1] That may be true for some, but that definition doesn’t fully encompass what people mean when they use the term “black sheep” to refer to a family member or friend. In fact, Collins Dictionary offers a broader, and in my opinion, more accurate, definition of this term: “someone who is very different from the other people in their family or group and who is considered bad or worthless by them.”[2] In terms of how the term “black sheep” is used by people in society, this definition is much closer to the truth. While once it may have meant someone who brought disgrace to their family, for example by committing heinous crimes, and it certainly can still mean that, it doesn’t just mean that anymore. Instead, families in particular use the term “black sheep” to refer to someone in their family they see as not conforming to the “family way” or that they disapprove of, whether or not their disapproval is warranted.
For example, take a high achieving family where both parents went to an ivy league university and want their children to follow in their footsteps. This family values academic achievement and high-powered careers. They have three children, and the first two children work hard in school, have perfect GPA’s, are members of many school clubs and both get accepted to the ivy league university that their parents attended. The third child, however, has no interest in school, doesn’t want to attend university and ends up dropping out of high school, getting their GED and then working as a customer service employee at a large chain store. This child is very happy with their life, they don’t enjoy stress and so what mattered to them was not having a high-powered career but rather having a low stress job that provided them with just enough money to get by. However, to the rest of the family they are known as the “black sheep” because they didn’t take the academic path their parents wanted them to or follow in their footsteps.
Another example might be one in which you have an enmeshed family. This refers to a family in which there are little to no boundaries and children are discouraged from becoming emotionally independent or separate from their families.[3] In these types of families you will usually see dynamics that involve lack of boundaries between family members, expectations around how much contact family members must have with each other, a lack of privacy, pressure on the child to share every detail of their life with their family and inappropriate sharing of information between parents and their children, among other things.[4] When written like this, it is clear that this is not a healthy family dynamic, yet a child that breaks away from this type of family, makes their own choices, moves away from the family and holds boundaries with their family members may be labelled a “black sheep” by other members of the family.
Then you have the more serious examples, such as a child who comes out as LGBTQIA+ and is not accepted by their family or a child who discloses sexual abuse by a family member and is met with disbelief and/or a lack of support or even a child who runs away from home to escape an abusive family. In all of these situations, in this paragraph and above, these children may be labelled “black sheep” by their families, but are they?
If we go back to the definition of what the term “black sheep” refers to, whether it be the Cambridge definition or the Collins definition, technically it could be argued that they are the black sheep of the family. After all, their family doesn’t approve of them, may see them as bad, may feel that this child has brough embarrassment or shame upon the family, they may even be considered worthless. Technically, all these situations meet the definitions. However, the problem doesn’t lie in the definition of what a “black sheep” is but rather in the connotations the label carries with it. Being a “black sheep” is rarely looked upon by the family and by society as a good thing. Instead, “black sheep” are typically criticized, looked down upon, invalidated, isolated and more because of the way they choose to live their life or the boundaries they set etc.[5] In fact, even if we look at this term literally, as in an actual black sheep, even they are devalued and seen as worth less than their white counterparts because their wool is not as valuable.[6] No matter which way you look at it, whether you look at the actual animals or at the term as it is used to describe people, there is a negative connotation attached to it. A black sheep is the problem child or the bad apple or the outcast or the shame of the family.[7]
But let’s break this down and really look at what it means to be a “black sheep.” If we go back to my story at the beginning about the sheep in the fenced off part of the paddock, it seems ridiculous to think that a sheep that deviates from the other sheep would be the one that is valued less. After all, these white sheep were literally blindly following each other and slamming their heads into a fence over and over again because none of them were able to step out of that dynamic and actually look for the exit. Wouldn’t a sheep that didn’t blindly charge into the fence and instead walked the perimeter until they found the gate actually be the smarter one? In this situation would it matter if that sheep’s wool was black or white?
In fact, in society its quite funny how being a “black sheep” is considered bad, yet those same people will use the term “sheep” to refer to someone who is “meek, stupid, timid or submissive[8]” or a person who is “easily influenced” and essentially blindly follows a leader, much like those sheep in my paddock.[9] It’s a complete contradiction on societies part to call someone a “black sheep” thus implying that they have done something wrong by not following family norms yet to also look down upon those who they call “sheep” for blindly following a leader. What then is someone to do? People who call someone a “black sheep” want them to essentially become a white sheep, blindly following the other members of the group, typically the family group. Yet society also frowns upon people they consider to be sheep so it seems to be a catch 22?
But here's the thing. While being called a “black sheep” can be viewed as an insult and often is accompanied by exclusion, criticism, disapproval, shame and more, in my opinion “black sheep” are more often than not the healthiest member of the family or group. Think about my example of the sheep in the paddock when I was a child. Let’s imagine that there was a black sheep in the fenced off area with the white sheep but while the white sheep blindly followed each other into the fence over and over, the black sheep hung back, walking around the perimeter until they found the open gate and could exit the space. Which one would you rather be? Which one would you consider smarter? Which one would you consider to be healthier? When put this way it’s easy to see that the black sheep is definitely healthier and smarter than the white sheep. It finds the exit; the white sheep continually just ram their heads into the fence over and over again.
While it may not be this obvious when we are talking about a family or group of people, it is the same principal. Black sheep often get that term because they speak out against unhealthy dynamics in the family, they think for themselves, hold appropriate boundaries, follow their own dreams and desires, live their own life and overall refuse to fall into the unhealthy family dynamics.[10] There are a multitude of reasons why someone may be labelled the “black sheep” of the family but it usually all boils down to one thing: that person is different from the family in a way the family doesn’t approve of.[11] But being different is not necessarily bad. Yes, if the person is committing serious crimes and treating people terribly and the family values kindness and respect for the law, then that is one thing. But most often, this is not the reason why someone is the “black sheep.” Instead, their “differences” might be in what career they choose who they choose to love, where they choose to live, what boundaries they choose to set with their family, even how they dress or what they believe spiritually or otherwise, etc.[12] Choosing a lower paying career because they love it more than money or being LGBTQIA+ or moving across the country to live or dressing a certain way does not make someone bad. It does not make them an embarrassment or a shame upon the family. It does not make them a “black sheep” as that phrase is meant to imply. It simply makes them strong enough to honor their individuality and forge their own path in life that will make them happy. Arguably, in any of these situations the so called “black sheep” is actually the healthiest and most successful member of the family, as long as success is measured by happiness and being true to oneself that is. In any of these situations, the problem doesn’t lie with the “black sheep” but rather with the expectations of the family and the yard stick with which they measure success.
In fact, more often than not, a family who considers someone a “black sheep” is actually using that term to turn that family member into a scapegoat and avoid looking at the unhealthy family dynamics that they are living in.[13] Dysfunctional families, whether they be an enmeshed family or an abusive family or some other type of dysfunctional family, often don’t want to look at themselves, or at the patterns and dysfunction that they have created and, instead, would much rather isolate the person who refuses to abide by these dysfunctional patterns rather than correct the dysfunction.[14] The black sheep then, is most likely not the one in the wrong but instead the one that has chosen to stand up to or speak out against the unhealthy family dynamics. In the situation of the sheep in my paddock. The black sheep is the one that walks the fence until they find the exit, while the rest of the family continuously ram their heads into the fence over and over, refusing to learn, adapt or change.
Unfortunately, being labeled the “black sheep” of the family can have a profound impact on a person. It can cause mental health problems, feelings of alienation and isolation, negatively impact their self-esteem and even decrease their overall life satisfaction.[15] It makes sense when you think about it. By making this family member feel like the “black sheep” the family or group is constantly telling the family member over and over again that something wrong with them. In essence it is like gaslighting, where the family is constantly telling them they are bad for wanting to hold boundaries, despite the fact that holding boundaries is actually healthy.[16] For us, looking in from the outside, it is easy to see that the person who is being labeled the “black sheep” is not the one in the wrong. But for someone who is living it, it can be much harder to see. Families, in particular, are held in such high esteem in society that for a “black sheep” not fitting in with their family or being isolated or excluded by their family can be extremely damaging, even if they are the healthy one that is stepping out of an unhealthy family dynamic.
While the term “black sheep” has so many negative connotations and is often used to shame or scapegoat someone, more often than not the “black sheep” of the family are the healthiest family members who are simply trying to honor their individuality, be honest, or break free from unhealthy family dynamics.[17] So if you are considered the black sheep of your family, please know that most likely you are not the one in the wrong. Most likely, you are the one that is trying to break free of unhealthy dynamics and you are being scapegoated by the other members of your family or group so that they don’t have to confront or change the unhealthy dynamics they have created and exist in. If you consider someone else in your family to be the “black sheep” take a moment to really think about it. What did this person do to make themselves the “black sheep?” If your answer centers around them committing crimes or treating people terribly then that is one thing. But if your answer involves this person simply not following the standards or expectations within the family, it might be time to start examining those expectations and standards and thinking about why someone who deviates from them is considered to be the “bad one.” If you can relate to this and want to process or explore it, please reach out. I can help.
Comments