We’ve seen it on TV thousands of times. A kid tells their parent something and the parent responds in the most degrading, demoralizing way possible, leading to an irreparable rupture in the relationship. Maybe the kid told their parent they were LGBTQ and their parent disowned them. Maybe they told their parent they were pregnant, and their parent tried to forcibly drag them to an abortion clinic. Maybe the kid told their parent they were sexually assaulted, and their parent didn’t believe them. Maybe the kid wanted to pursue a career outside of the “family tradition” and their parents refused to pay for college. There are a million possibilities, but they all essentially end the same way – with the parent/s responding in the most distressing, damaging way possible.
I wish this situation was confined only to our tv screens but in truth it happens all the time in the real world too. Unfortunately, unlike tv where usually the parent realizes they were wrong and apologizes to the child (not always, but often) in real life this is much more unusual. Now this is not to say that it doesn’t happen - it can, and it does - but more often than not the rift between the parent and the child remains indefinitely. Often, even if the parent does apologize or the parent and child continue the relationship, the damage the parent’s reaction caused can be too great for the child to move past and/or change the relationship completely.
For most of us, there is nothing worse than our parents being disappointed in us or not supporting or believing us. Society teaches us that our parents are supposed to always be there, always have our backs. They are supposed to be our home in an unfamiliar, confusing, painful world. But all too often this is not the case. Parents react badly every day. Everyday LGBTQ kids are kicked out of the home or disowned by their families simply for who they love. Everyday victims of sexual assault turn to their parents for help and comfort only to be met with disbelief and accusations of lying or worse. Everyday kids are cut off financially after deciding to follow their dreams instead of their parent’s dreams. Every day kids are raising kids on their own because their parents refuse to help.
The list goes on and on. Every day parents hurt their children so badly that the relationship ends. Sometimes it’s the parent’s choice, sometimes it’s the kid’s choice, sometimes there’s just too much hurt and pain to overcome.
I know this sounds bleak. It is. This is not to say that it happens to everyone - of course it doesn’t. But it happens to too many.[1]
So, if you are one of these kids, how do you cope? Being betrayed or abandoned or hurt by a parent is amongst the worst pains in the world. Society places so much emphasis on family and parents in particular, that losing them can often result in feeling as if you have lost a part of yourself, your identity or even, sometimes, your world.
Parents are often placed on a pedestal. They are supposed to be unconditionally loving and accepting. They are the only people held to this standard. Of course, you want and expect this of others too. But parents are supposed to be a given - you are not supposed to have to want or expect this of your parents. They are just supposed to do it.
But as high as that pedestal is, parents are still just humans. They are still just people like you and me. Now this is not to excuse them. Not at all. Parents absolutely should be unconditionally loving and accepting. They should have your back no matter what. But in order to cope, you have to first take them off that pedestal - not so that you can forgive them or understand or excuse away their actions. It’s not about them. Only you can decide whether you want to do this. You are taking them off this pedestal for YOU. So often I see children so affected by their parent’s thoughts, actions, beliefs and opinions. Above all else, you want your parents love and approval. But if they aren’t giving that, if they aren’t doing what parents are supposed to do, then you have to dampen that desire within yourself by taking them off that pedestal and humanizing them. Because it is that desire for them to love and accept you that fuels the pain. That keeps it hurting. I am not saying that by doing this you are going to magically not hurt anymore. But they are just a person with an opinion. Their opinion is not more important than others, despite what society would have us believe. It does not define you. You define you. If your parents are too blind or stubborn or selfish to see the person you are and love and accept you for that person, then they need to be relegated to “just another person” status. It will still hurt. Actually, it will likely take a lot of time and work to take them off that pedestal and relegate them to “just another person status.” It will take a lot of time and work to not define yourself by what your parents do, think or say. It will take a lot of time and work to heal from the pain they have caused you. But when you do this. When you can relegate them to “just another person” then some of that power that they have on you, that society has given them, will dissipate. Don’t get me wrong, it will still be awful to know that you weren’t one of the kids that had the parents that supported and believed in you. It will always hurt. But it will no longer define you. You will define you. You will surround yourself with people who give you what they couldn’t. Most importantly, you will know they were wrong. That there’s nothing wrong with you, the problem lies with them.
This sounds so simple yet it’s one of the hardest things you will do. Being hurt by a parent like this affects you deeply. It stays with you long after the voices of the other haters and doubters have gone. But the problem lies with them, not you, and believing that is so very important.
You have to grieve. You have to grieve the relationship you thought you had, the relationship you wanted, the relationship you were supposed to have. You have to grieve the hurt and pain they caused you, the damage they did to you, the impact they had on you. It is tempting to say, “screw them” and stay in the anger but at some point you will have to grieve. Wanting your parents love, approval, support etc. is human nature. At some point in our lives, we have all wanted it. But you didn’t get it. Even if you don’t know it yet, you are already grieving. You have to let yourself feel it and move through it, not stifle it with anger.
Having said that however, anger has its place. You are allowed to be angry. You should be angry. All you were doing was being true to yourself, being honest, asking for help, living your life etc. They had absolutely no right to respond negatively to that and you have every right to be angry.
In fact, you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling and truthfully there is likely a confusingly high number of emotions running through you. Feel them. Allow them. Validate them.
Finally, find support. Find people that do believe you, support you, and accept you. Seek the help of a professional to process through everything. While technically you could do this alone, you shouldn’t. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to have people with you. You deserve to get whatever support, love, acceptance, validation etc. that you were supposed to get from your parents. This is where we come back to taking them off that pedestal. Because once you do that, you make room for others to come in and fill some of the hole left by them. Sure, it won’t be the same. Sure, the hole won’t be completely filled. But any amount of filling is better than nothing. You deserve support. Please don’t do this alone.
[1] I want to acknowledge here that damage to the parent/child relationship doesn’t just happen when a parent responds to something badly. Abuse, neglect, abandonment, the death of a parent can all have devastatingly damaging impacts on the children. While some of the principals touched on in this article can apply to many of these situations, this is a topic that deserves an article all of its own, so I’ve chosen to focus this article specifically on parents who respond badly to situations or things their children tell them. However, if you are parentless for another reason, I see you.
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