If you are, or have ever been, a victim of domestic violence and/or stalking you will know that words just can’t adequately describe the amount of pain, fear and trauma it brings into your life. It can feel like you are walking an incredibly thin tightrope, and one wrong move could send you plummeting to your death. Does this sound dramatic – probably. But it’s not dramatic enough to encompass the reality that victims of these crimes face every single minute of every single day. Every dream, hope, responsibility, hobby, want and need you’ve ever had ceases to exist as your entire life becomes consumed by simply staying alive and unharmed. Every decision you make, from whether to buy a house to what to eat for dinner, is based upon what will give you the best chance of survival. Victims live in an almost alternate reality where everything that is normal for everyone else is dangerous for them. Most people don’t think about whether getting a cup of coffee with a friend, or having their hair cut, or going to the store or even making spaghetti for dinner could get them hurt or killed. But for victims of domestic violence and stalking every one of these things could pose a threat. Getting a cup of coffee with a friend could lead to an explosion of violence by an abusive jealous spouse. Going to the store could make you visible to your stalker. Making spaghetti for dinner could infuriate your spouse who wanted something different and end in violence. I’ve even known people who were abused because they turned a fan off or adjusted a thermostat. Every “normal” life thing, from turning off a fan to making a new friend can put you at risk. To those being stalked, even stepping outside into the sun for a minute can be dangerous.
The truth is, domestic violence and stalking impact every single aspect of your life, in the present but also long into the future. Even if you can escape your abuser or your stalker, there is always the fear that they will find you again. You often hear people ask, “well why don’t [victims of domestic violence] just leave” or why don’t [victims of stalking] just call the police.” But it’s not that simple. In fact, those questions can feel like someone asking someone with chronic migraines why they don’t just chop their head off. Along with the obvious threat to safety that leaving or calling the police could bring, the list of valid reasons why people just can’t leave abusive relationships is long. Too long for me to adequately address in this post. But just know that whatever the reason, it is valid, it is real and it is not something anyone can judge because they are not in it with you. The answer to why victims of stalking and domestic violence don’t just call the police is maybe a little simpler. While there can be many valid reasons, one that stands out to me is that, often, the police can’t do anything. Or they can’t do enough to ensure safety. They may be able to arrest the person, but they likely won’t be able to hold them for long, and then what? That person is released back on to the street, angrier and more prone to violence. Is calling the police always bad – no. But understandably, if a victim calls the police, they want to know they will be safe, and that cannot always be guaranteed.
So, by now, I’m guessing that I’ve made this all sound rather impossible. That was not at all my intention. Because it’s not impossible. Not at all. You can get out of the situation; you can escape your abuser or your stalker and stay safe. The key is in comprehensive safety planning. Notice I didn’t just say “safety planning.” I said, “comprehensive safety planning.” There is a difference. Most safety plans that can be found online give some tips and center around safety during and immediately after leaving the situation. I am not, by any means, saying that the tips they give are bad. But I don’t believe they are enough to keep you as safe as possible.
A comprehensive safety plan conforms to your specific situation. It spans not only during and immediately after the event but years into the future to keep you as safe as possible for as long as possible. It covers every way an abuser or stalker could get to you and the elements work together to strengthen each other and open other avenues, like legal remedies that will keep you safe, if the abuse and/or stalking persists. As much as is possible, it attempts to get ahead of your abuser/stalker, anticipating their moves and putting preventative strategies in place long before they execute them. Is it fool proof – no. I wish it was, but like everything in life there are always unexpected things that arise. However, it also builds in contingencies for unexpected events, it gives you a plan of action in case something happens that you weren’t prepared for.
Online safety plans are a good start, but they are just that. A start. They are not detailed enough nor are they individualized to your specific situation. Another crucial thing to remember is that if you can find a safety plan online so can your perpetrator. So instead of anticipating their moves and staying ahead of them, they can research safety plans and stay one step ahead of you.
I have pored over endless online safety plans, talked with experts, researched and drawn from my own education and experience to develop a comprehensive safety planning model that goes far beyond what can be found online. To ensure that you stay one step ahead, I also don’t publish it anywhere so there’s no way your perpetrator can access it. It adapts to your individual circumstances and is designed not only to keep you safe but to create new avenues of safety for you over time, should you need them.
I’m sure you have all heard the statistics around how it takes a victim 7 times on average before they can free themselves for good, or how people can be stalked for years or whatever depressing statistic you want to substitute in here. But I genuinely believe the difference maker is a comprehensive safety plan. I genuinely believe that if there is a comprehensive safety plan in place, then these statistics do not apply. You don’t have to be stalked for years or try 7 times to leave before you are successful. If you are a victim of domestic violence or stalking and in need of some guidance and a safety plan I can help. You don’t have to do this alone and you don’t have to become a statistic. No matter your situation, I can help.